illness

these past few weeks, me and k have been fighting a lot. like we keep on having arguments on the simplest thing to the big ones. there are times I admit that I want to win in every arguments. but there were also times that I felt like that I’ve been tolerating too much but he just won’t give in. I guess this is normal in relationship. but.. I don’t really know. some of my friends really have a good relationship with their partner and they get to fun around most of the times.

…

yesterday, we went for volunteering in my uni and things are good at first. after everything has finished, we talked on this issue of mental health. I am actually aware that he sometimes has a really sudden change in mood, like we were having fun, then maybe I slipped my tongue on issue that he hated, and he like puff, being all mad about that little thing. up to a point that he would raise his voice (since we’re fighting), and when I want to give my point of view or reasons or (excuses you would say), he would say that I contradict everything. sometime, yes I did. but I mean, I’m giving my reasons right. why you wouldn’t cooperate and try to listen form my view. I mean, me and him are definitely not the same. I have different way of thinking, and he has his own too. I’m really aware of that so I wanted us to have like a discussion on both views and maybe find the best solution to choose? or maybe if we really can’t decide on a decision, at least I know what he thinks when I do that kind of thing and he knows what I would be thinking if he does whatever that. as we all grew up from different kind of environment and circumstances, we sure have a lot differences. but no one says that we can’t make it and somehow find the intersection between the lines together.

back to this mental health issue, I tiger him about how his mood suddenly changed. I mean, we had some arguments, and then like when you re in an argument, you would usually go to like silent mode right. so we went on that mode. minutes later, suddenly(this is really sudden) he went on how he had fun today with his pretty girlfriend; all smile to me. I mean of course I was confused. I thought we re on silent mode? like how come out of the blue we re happy again? so I said ‘why suddenly like this? why is your mood kind of like changing suddenly?’ and he went.. ‘you don’t need to say that.’ and we argued again on how I was just asking and he said you don’t have to point that out and so on. and I kept quiet after that. not long after that, he showed me google results of mood swing is related to mental illness. this is when things got out of our hand. I asked him whether he wants to see the doctor or not if he is positive that he has that illness. and he was so mad that I asked him that. he told me that I am so easy to pass him to the doctor instead of helping him personally. he said that I didn’t even want to help and all I would do was letting him survive alone without even me trying. honestly, I did not mean any of that. I feel like I can’t do anything about it, I am not capable of helping him alone, hence I decided to go for doctor to help us, so that I will know the right thing to do, and not just do things blindly without knowledge. that is all. but he doesn’t like the way I come out with this solution. he felt that as if he is not that special in my life that I ll just let other person to help him instead of me myself trying. maybe one point that he is right is how I have not even tried anything and went on t this doctor thingy. I admitted that. but I did not mean any of what he feels like.

sometimes, I’ve come to a point where I feel like I am not ready to be in a relationship. I know, I know. this is definitely wrong. you should never play with someone’s feeling. I am not okay. I believe I am not. but then, thoughts keep coming when all these happens. I feel like I can’t even handle myself, now tell me how can I handle another human being let alone he is not even related to my family.

Allah, guide me and help me. if he really is meant to be to me, ease our journey. bring us signs. if you’ve written something better for us, make us will and happy with it, make us see that is way better for us than what we wanted, as you are the Most Knowing.