break

yesterday was Monday and I decided to fast. and I break my fast at the mosque near my workplace. I’ve decided to not go home early idk why. I was not in my best mood yesterday and I kept thinking of my relationship with k. don’t get me wrong. if you think that I want to leave hime just like that, no. I will not. but maybe I need time to think about everything that we’ve been through and what future holds for us. I need to tell him that I need time, but he is undergoing his tests and projects this week, and I know that I should never disturb him in this kind of situation. I still remember how last Sunday we had some arguments, and I sent him back to his uni and I left to go home. and later he told me that he really can’t study since he kept on thinking about everything. then we met up at kfc after his uni, and we kinda discussed some things and we smiled again. hopefully he really can study that night since he said so, and later yesterday had all these negative thoughts coming to my mind which is definitely not healthy. but I told myself to not disturb him but I still believe that he can sense it. I mean it is obvious when I didn’t text him during my free time, and I didn’t reply him soon as how I used to, and I said that I’m going to the mosque after work and stay there till isyak prayers, and I didn’t eat a proper meal after fasting for the day, anddd the most obvious one is when I ajak him to one volunteer event this Saturday and later on I told him that I have no intention of wanting him to accompany me, but just to tell him about this event in case he is interested. haha. I know. I’m stupid, but I’m not on my right mind, and I keep thinking about how we probably should not meet every week as how my parents had advised us to. and of course, he is hurt by how I say I am okay if he is not joining.

oh I still remember how I told him (during discussing) that how he is happy without me. and maybe if that is what will make him happy, then I guess I just have to do that. I don’t want to write what you guys are thinking right now cause deep inside, I really don’t want this to happen. but every thing that has happened influenced me so much that it overwhelmed me to that point. and he stressed out and he forced me to eat with him as he can’t handle the words I said. and he cried. . yup. he is kind of depressed how I can easily say that which mean I am ready and I ‘can’ choose that solution. I get how he felt. if it were me, I would be extremely sad too. but yeah, I’m sorry, but I just .. idk.

so anyway, I went to the mosque to perform my maghrib and isya’ prayers. and I was lucky that they held a kuliyyah Maghrib. I went to one tazkirah before zuhur too and I can say that they are pointing out the importance of doing good deeds (beramal soleh) and to apply sunnah in our everyday life. keep on doing better everyday and be better. slowly but surely. to give charity, sedeqa and infaq. to recite Quran everyday. to take care of our aurah. to take care of our tongue and hand. practising good deeds can be divided to two which is for our akhirat, and for our dunya. for our akhirat, of course, to perform what has been assigned for us, and for dunya, is to work sincerely to find rezqi and money for our life. for our family.

till then.

illness

these past few weeks, me and k have been fighting a lot. like we keep on having arguments on the simplest thing to the big ones. there are times I admit that I want to win in every arguments. but there were also times that I felt like that I’ve been tolerating too much but he just won’t give in. I guess this is normal in relationship. but.. I don’t really know. some of my friends really have a good relationship with their partner and they get to fun around most of the times.

…

yesterday, we went for volunteering in my uni and things are good at first. after everything has finished, we talked on this issue of mental health. I am actually aware that he sometimes has a really sudden change in mood, like we were having fun, then maybe I slipped my tongue on issue that he hated, and he like puff, being all mad about that little thing. up to a point that he would raise his voice (since we’re fighting), and when I want to give my point of view or reasons or (excuses you would say), he would say that I contradict everything. sometime, yes I did. but I mean, I’m giving my reasons right. why you wouldn’t cooperate and try to listen form my view. I mean, me and him are definitely not the same. I have different way of thinking, and he has his own too. I’m really aware of that so I wanted us to have like a discussion on both views and maybe find the best solution to choose? or maybe if we really can’t decide on a decision, at least I know what he thinks when I do that kind of thing and he knows what I would be thinking if he does whatever that. as we all grew up from different kind of environment and circumstances, we sure have a lot differences. but no one says that we can’t make it and somehow find the intersection between the lines together.

back to this mental health issue, I tiger him about how his mood suddenly changed. I mean, we had some arguments, and then like when you re in an argument, you would usually go to like silent mode right. so we went on that mode. minutes later, suddenly(this is really sudden) he went on how he had fun today with his pretty girlfriend; all smile to me. I mean of course I was confused. I thought we re on silent mode? like how come out of the blue we re happy again? so I said ‘why suddenly like this? why is your mood kind of like changing suddenly?’ and he went.. ‘you don’t need to say that.’ and we argued again on how I was just asking and he said you don’t have to point that out and so on. and I kept quiet after that. not long after that, he showed me google results of mood swing is related to mental illness. this is when things got out of our hand. I asked him whether he wants to see the doctor or not if he is positive that he has that illness. and he was so mad that I asked him that. he told me that I am so easy to pass him to the doctor instead of helping him personally. he said that I didn’t even want to help and all I would do was letting him survive alone without even me trying. honestly, I did not mean any of that. I feel like I can’t do anything about it, I am not capable of helping him alone, hence I decided to go for doctor to help us, so that I will know the right thing to do, and not just do things blindly without knowledge. that is all. but he doesn’t like the way I come out with this solution. he felt that as if he is not that special in my life that I ll just let other person to help him instead of me myself trying. maybe one point that he is right is how I have not even tried anything and went on t this doctor thingy. I admitted that. but I did not mean any of what he feels like.

sometimes, I’ve come to a point where I feel like I am not ready to be in a relationship. I know, I know. this is definitely wrong. you should never play with someone’s feeling. I am not okay. I believe I am not. but then, thoughts keep coming when all these happens. I feel like I can’t even handle myself, now tell me how can I handle another human being let alone he is not even related to my family.

Allah, guide me and help me. if he really is meant to be to me, ease our journey. bring us signs. if you’ve written something better for us, make us will and happy with it, make us see that is way better for us than what we wanted, as you are the Most Knowing.

advices

so, yesterday was week 10 of my internship. I was going to make this blog as my internship journal, well I know it seems like I am quite late to start my journal haha, but hey! don’t you ever heard of the phrase “better late than never”? so imma go with that.

truth is, I have some writings before this, but I wrote them on notepad. maybe I will post them in here after this. talking on writing, I usually write when I’m sad. yeah, sadly, it is true. I don’t know why I don’t feel like writing whenever I’m happy. deep inside, I think we should write when we re happy, to keep the memories. since I usually write when I’m in sad mood or anywhere near that, I guess I’m quite pessimistic. thats definitely a bad trait of mine.

if I were to list out every negative thing I have inside me, man that is a lot! I can’t even finish it, or maybe I will finish writing it today, but the day after I can add more. more that you could imagine. and definitely, knowing you have bad trait is good, but knowing and just let them be is absolutely bad. knowing and making them as reasons for you not to be better is worse. that is my opinion of course. I mean, it is not that I don’t know which part inside me is bad, I truly aware of them, but I keep on making them as excuses to run away from being a better human. it is not that I can’t. it is just I am lazy. I still remembered last thursday, me and my intern friends had lunch together with Dr. S. DrS is definitely someone with brain. I mean, see la how he got Dr on his name right. and this lazy thing, he said that when you say that you’re in pain, it is not that you’re in pain actually. you just feel like you are, but you aren’t. pain is just temporary and pain is just emotion. the pain of giving birth is the hardest pain someone can experience, he said. and its amazing how a mother who has just experience the most painful moment in her life, literally forgets what pain is when she sees and hugs her newborn child. this is because when pain meets happiness, it becomes natural. hence, when you say you are in pain, you’re not. it is just an excuses and you’re just lazy. oh how my face is like being slashed with his words! well, I guess it is true.

DrS gave us a lot of advices and I don’t know but I kind of like this moments. I get to listen to brilliant mind’s advices, I get to learn a lot, I get to know how they think, and most important thing is I get to like ‘betulkan myself’ even just for a moment, or few days, I think it is important for me to get on the right track. the problem in me is, I keep forgetting all these good things and sticked on the bad. haih. this is definitely something that I have to change. definitely! but then, it is not wrong to have these traits ya, just don’t let them overpower you. you own you.

I have a lot to write about what happened last weeks and these days, but maybe I don’t really have time now. I have promised my friend to meet to maybe help (read:kacau) her and her friends in their group assignment. (take pics only). so anyway, I will end this post with some other DrS’s advices.

 

p/s: bear in mind, these are not all, as I can only remember little. he told us a lot!

• to always recite Quran everyday, and make this as habit.
• to give to everyone. sedekah has many ways. he would always give his cats milk and food every morning. and he always treat people to eat. I mean always.
• to be happy and contented. to have goals and reaching the goals will surely make you happy.
• to do the best in everything we do. for now, do the best in internship. ask for work, take experiences as many as you can. be grateful how you are accepted to work in big companies.
• to be an example to others. especially if you know something which is not good to be practice, why should you follow your friends when your friends can look up to you as the one who has knowledge in it
• to always always always jaga solat. solat is very basic in islam. the moment you die, you will be asked on your prayers. and if you don’t have this basic in Islam, you can’t achieve the success in dunya, especially in marriage life.
• to look for the best spouse. 4 criterias in islam; religiousness (agama), — (sekufu), beauty (kecantikan), nobility of the family (keturunan).
• to keep good relationship with others. especially family, parents, parents in law etc.
• to have side business to maintain your life.
• to take good care of your aurah.

and how to make these as habits? is to practice them everyday for at least 45 days and inshAllah pray that we get the istiqamah.

 

till then.

 

intern this

I mean right is this my fault. or not. I don’t know. and whether I should write this,, I am not even sure about that. well, shouldn’t every post is about good thing and memorable thing? btw I am now wondering about the difference of visual and html in this setting. well html seems like a cooler option don’t they? so I chose html lels.

anyway, I’m currently a jobless person with job. you get it? haha. I mean, I got job, technically. but I didn’t ask for any task to do. and I am not sure whether they know that I’m jobless or not now. well, I kinda like this, but then it would be useless for me. and wasting my time. heh. I don’t even know whether writing this is something worthy or not. should I even care? I don’t even know either.

I am that useless I guess.

new chapter

hello.

I really hope this would be a new chapter for me.

a better future, a better dream.

a better me.

I hope.

dear self, if you are reading this, and if you are currently feeling down. just remember, you had been there. you had passed like legit many problems. many things you have faced. you cried, you down, you felt useless. you hate yourself, you hate everyone around you. you are asking why you are born to this world. hey girl, it is fine okay. it is okay. it would be okay. take a deep breath, you have been in so many things yet you are okay. so who cares for another challenge? I can do this. so do you. let it all out. time will heal. nope. time will not heal. it is just we get to used to things like that like we are immune already. you wanna cry, go. you want to be alone, go. just put up your sabar okay.

and don’t give up. ever. remember your dream. why you started this theegoo.

go and have fun. be rich. be kind. be respected. be likeable. be motivated. be strong. be good to all. be mukmin.